Cug of Hearts The Queen of Hearts Had lost her tarts (well, ok, if the truth be told, it was a gooseberry flan) And didn't know where to find them The Queen of Hearts called her faithful servant The Cug of Hearts. "You called Ma'am," answered the faithful Cug, entering the medieval palace hall. "Yes, Cug. Ciao. Now I'm in a bit of a jam here. I've lost it." "What Ma'am, have you lost?" "The jam. Gooseberry. It was on a flan. The whole of Italy is looking for it. But they're still not very interested. It's all pizza and pasta these days." "Too true, ma'am." The two stood talking in a gothic-looking palace, somewhere, it can only be suggested, perhaps somewhere in northern Italy. The Queen had been in a quandry all day. She had a ball to go to this evening, and her mother, Her Highness The Queen of Hearts the Queen Mother, had stayed up until 3am finshing a dress for it. "This ball, my dear Cug, is to be the highlight of my queening. The Ace of Diamonds will be there, not to mention the Seven of Spades. I feel tonight something is going to happen; with everybody in their best prom dresses, the limos, the champagne, everything, but we just need to find this gooseberry flan. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, should it? I mean, I've made coconut flapjack before, haven't I? "Ma'am," replied Cug, "I shall do my best. I've been in all sorts of jammy situations in the last two years: up mountains, on trains, with lizards, on planes. In fact, I recall a large amount of strawberries and a very polite shark..." "Brigitte!" the Queen screamed. "How I love the Sound of Music, but here he is himself!". The two turned to the entrance of this Italian palace, and a polite Italian shark walked in."Ah, good morrow yon people of yonder year." started Briggite. "Good morrow to you to (sorry about all the gaps, it's the computer again.) I trust you had a pleasant journey." said the Queen. "Yes, I've just come back from Shepton Mallet, been camping." "Really! Where on earth is Shepton Mallet?" "I have no idea." said Briggite moving over to the drinks stand. "Anyone for Rum..ee?" "No thanks." said Queen Rachel of Hearts. "Not me." replied Cug of Hearts, he has a heart of gold. "And this must be the famous Cug of Hearts?" said Briggite pouring himself a glass. "Yes, but I think we are losing the plot slightly, if there ever was one, was'nt it that the Queen has lost her tarts?" said he. "Yay, that is quite true. We are not amused." "Was'nt it the Jack of hearts who stole her tarts and did'nt you order your fiddles 3 to help you? Surely a pail of water will do, I know that Jack and Jill are..." "That is quite not the point, first of all it was my good friend King Cole who has fiddles 3, but I do have a fiddle 1!" She clapped her hands and if by magic (it could of been magic, after all this story has'nt established itself a genre yet.) a man with a funny jester hat on and a violin in one arm. He was wearing a 2 stripe suit of green and red. "Who the heck are you?" asked Cug. "The jester." he said, and with that he was gone. "O.k." said Briggite bemused, "But we're still losing the 'plot'. Come to think of it what was the plot? Oh, that's right the flan. Well it just so happens I have a goosbery flan right with me!" he proclaimed producing a flan out of his bag. "No!" said Queen Rachel rather angry, "don't you see! The flan was our only plot line! Now this story is just a load of random storylines making no sense what-so-ever. What shall we do?!" (some scary cliff hanger music comes on) "Where did that come from?" asked Briggite looking around. "May make a suggestion ma'am?" said Cug looking at the Queen. "Go on." "Well, maybe if we go to this ball a storyline might appear, it could be magic, action, love, psycho or just a random story about a load of people trying to find a storyline!" suggested Cug. "Brialliant, Stupendous!" exclaimed the Queen, "Lets get ready! That was my thought all along. The ball to which we shall go! Now we have found the gooseberry tart, everything is possible!" "Ma'am," said Brigitte, still looking marginally nervous, "I hate to alarm you ma'am, but I feel I should warn you the scary cliff hanger music is still playing," Everyone paused for a while to listen to the music. Everyone looked about. Because in this land somewhere in northern Italy, everything has its proper background music, which you don’t normally get in real life. However it is handy, for when one hears cliffhanger music, one knows that very soon something scary may happen. "Look my dearies," screamed the Queen in her usual way, "I'm not going to sit here waiting for the cliffhanger to happen when I've got my dress to put on and the make-up to do, etc. I mean, I've ..." But, alas, the Queen could not finish her sentence, because the cliffhanger music had come to its climax, and the windows shattered around her, as some creature came hurling through the large stained-glass windows behind the throne. The Queen, Cug and Brigitte all ducked to avoid the millions of pieces of glass which were crashing all around them. The noise was very loud, and was magnified many times as the hall echoed everything that happened within it. The sound gradually died away, and there in the middle of the heaps of glass on the floor, stood a figure. As it rose steadily ,brushing peices of glass of it's long dark overcoat. The three could see that (thankfully) the creature was indeed an average bear, although not a very friendly bear it looked, it was, to the three figures relief, not a monster. "My hat!" exclaimed Cug, "who on earth are you." The bear looked absent mindly around stroking it's beard, thoughfully. Suddenly it produced out of it's overcoat a pigmee. * * * It is now the time to go into more depth in this story, to give some background as all stories should. As it has already been mentioned, the Queen of Heart's palace, named 'Cugburg', is placed in north Italy. It was named Cugberg after the founder, a missionary called Dr. Georg Cugzart. The land owned by the palace streches out northwards to the Italien Alps, southwards to the forest of Mirathalion and eastward to Lake Armadeas. To the west lies the land of Baron Brownhof, Cugburg's neighbours. Magnesium lies under the rich hills seperating the two area's and for many a year a truce that the two neighbours can have as much as they want in there seperate area's. So, what in all gravy has this go to do with pigmee's? It is to do with the animals of the countries. In Baron Brownhof's land the national animal is the pigmee. It can be frequently seen treking in herds of up to 50. However it's only natural enemy is the air-quote. Which is rather bad because Cugberger Land's traditional animal is the Air Quote, to stop these escaping over the hills to the pigmee's various people keep flocks of air qoutes. Therefore the Briggite the Shark, Cug of Hearts and the Queen of Hearts would know by now that this messanger came from Baron Brownhof. Coming in through the window whilst smashing it was said at that time to be the sign of bad news. This is no doubt where the superstition of that if you break a mirror you get 7 years bad luck came from Ahem. We will now return to the main feature, in which, as you will have remembered, a bearded bear had come crashing through the windows. "I see you have come from Baron Brownhof. What is your news?" asked Cug of Hearts. "I have come here to announce Baron Brownhof has had enough of your musical antics. But mainly we're not satisfied with the amount of magnesium you are mining. You are mining too much and bringing loads of tourists freely over the border with no customs facilites. Therefore I, on behalf on his worthiness Baron Brownhof, issue this ultimatum to Her Majesty the Queen of Hearts and all who reside in her land: Let us control the entire cave region to mine our magnesium, or the Queen should watch out very carefully at her prom tonight if she wishes to continue to live!" The three gasped. The stranger continued his bearded monologue. "Baron Brownhof requires an answer by seven o'clock tonight ; the time the ball begins. Go to the ball as usual, but either hand over all the magnesium mines, or else ... I think you understand," he said with a chuckle. With that, he whistled twice, which was obviously the call of his faithful hillside toboggan, which he mounted and took him away, presumably back to the land of Baron Brownhof. The Queen almost broke down in tears. "Oh, Cug, oh Brigitte! What am I to do? We need those magnesium mines for the good of our country. Without them we will not be able to survive. But I don't want to be killed! Oh deary me!" she wailed. "Ma'am, if I may make a suggestion," the Cug ventured, "you have nearly ten hours until the ball starts. You should hide away and think it over." "Yes," said Brigitte, "and I know the perfect place, should you wish to do this." *********** High on a hill was a lonely Air-Quote Laiey ona laiey ona lay ho ho In fact, this was not entirely true. This particular lonely Air-Quote had only to return a few metres where a whole swarm of airquotes was being looked after in the grounds of a convent, high on a hill above Cugburg. Meanwhile, low in the valley below (and quite near) Cugburg a shop keeper opens up her shop which is selling pressed coins of Cugburg and packets of the country's national flower, the Briggitium Sharkanananhyposisknowanleyanium, otherwise known as the Briggite Daisy. If she had even been bothered to look closely at a figure dressed hurriedly in heavy garments of black she may have noticed that this was none other than the Queen of Hearts. * * * "Hmph." grunted Briggite, "this is a sticky situation." "You think your problem's sticky." said Cug who had just tipped over a toffee cheese cake and was trying to put the toffee back on. Unsuccessfully. They were laying out all of the puddings for the nights dance. "It's not like she's going to give up the magnesium hills; her country means more." said Briggite thoughtfully, ignoring Cug's problem. "But even if she didn't give up the hills and ran away, they would still take them anyway" said Cug, balancing two banana splits on one hand and a Sacher Torte on the other. "Then we will protect them!" proclaimed Briggite smashing his hands (or should I say fins) together in a punch like manner. "We'll see" summed up Cug bringing out yet more black cherry yogurts, they seemed to have millions of them. "Ugh," said Briggite, looking out of the window at the figure of the Queen going into the convent, "nobody likes black cherry yogurts." * * * "I have told you before and i'll tell you again," said Rev Mother Pinkia Von Bear, "Maria. The town is no place for a young inspiring vocalist like yourself. Go to the hills, get your guitar and sing The Hills Are Alive! or whatever you sing!" "But Mother Pinkia," said a young nun, "the hills are boring, the towns the place to be!" "Oh, I don't know," she said sighing, "The Von Track's need a governess, I suggest you go there for a while. Run along dear" "Ah, Miss Queen of Hearts is it? Right, let her in, will you, dear, and see to those Air-Quotes, they're getting up to all sorts of mischief” The Queen entered meekly, bypassing the outgoing Maria, did a little curtsey thing in front of the Reverend Mother, and sat down. "Your Majesty," said Pinkia. "Reverend Mother," said the Queen. "What is it, dear? You should be getting ready for the ball tonight, shouldn't you? What's wrong?" "Reverend Mother, I must tell you what happened today. As I was getting ready for the ball, one of Baron Brownhof's messengers came to me in the palace and gave me news from his master. He says I have to choose between giving up the magnesium hills to him, or I should watch out for my life at this evening's ball!" "My dear, this is quite serious. Why, stay here tonight." "Reverend Mother, I have to go to the ball. It is to be the highlight of my queening. If I don't go, everyone will know something is terribly wrong. Secondly, if I don't go, then something may happen to someone at the ball and troops will march into the magnesium hills, and thirdly, I have been waiting for this ball for most of my life." "My child, go if you must go, but protect yourself, your citizens and your country. The situation is dangerous. It could even lead to war. But know that you can always come up here anytime for a bit of quality time away from everything." "Thankyou," answered the Queen. "I suggest you have the palace well guarded tonight," said Pinkia, briefly looking out of the window at an escaping air-quote. "I was thinking just the same thing. And I know the sheet to organize it all." "Ah yes, that young rogue Cug of Hearts. He's certainly the one who has the know-how. Well, run along, dear, but heed my advice." "Thankyou." "I should really sing a song about climbing mountains and the such like now, dear, but I'm afraid my throat has got a touch of the lurgy, so I'll refrain, if you don't mind, dear," "I understand. Probably for the best." And with that, the Queen exited the room. ****** Back in the palace, Brigitte was bringing out the last apple strudels, whilst Cug was having a quick break, sipping some Almdudler. "Whatever she decides, I think the palace should be well guarded tonight," said Cug, helping himself to more Almdudler...   What happens next? Does the Queen get shot? Find out only in the original book...